I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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