I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize