Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Randomize
