just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
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