my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
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