i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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