I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
