Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Enjoy the penises
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
