The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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