I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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