No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
