I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
The feeling are messing with the penis
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
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