When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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