Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
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how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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