I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
