where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Randomize