Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
