just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
