she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
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