Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
