I faked an abortion last night.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Everclear isn't food dammit
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