My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
