Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
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you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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