I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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