Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
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I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
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We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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