Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
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