i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Randomize
