I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
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Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
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He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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