The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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