Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
