I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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