So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Randomize
