What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
