The best revenge is premature balding
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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