____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
