He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
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She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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