Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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