i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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