Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
