I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
