I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
