i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
