i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
