this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
