You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
