No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Vodka?
Forever.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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