3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
