I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
