the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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