I wish I could teleport
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
