how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
