Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
