You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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