The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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