are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
