I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
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