my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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