i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
