I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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