OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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