She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
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